✫ Evening walks in the forest by myself (scary at times) ✫ Reading Philosopher's Stone in bed with windows open for five hours straight ✫ Watching Ripper Street obsessively with C ✫ The Witches of the Four Quarters marathon in bed on a rainy evening drinking cayenne pepper tea ✫ Bought a book!!! (financial stress means I haven't been able to buy any books in three years. In 2015, however, I've managed to buy three so far -second hand) Don't you just get goosebumps when new books are coming into your life?! ✫ C reading me Game of Thrones out loud ✫ Lots of baking, I love baking and feeding goodies to my people ✫ Ongoing rainy weather. The beauty, the smell, the breeze, the energy... ✫ The magic I feel in my heart this time of year ✫ Glamor spells in the bathtub ✫ Listening to MuggleCast epis for hours ✫ Bronze jewelry ✫ My new gratitude journal ✫ That Sunday night when C decided to come over spontaneously and sleep with me ✫ A midday spent in the forest by myself. Warm and glorious ✫ My dog's soft body ✫ Dressing up + kebabs & falafels with C ✫ My love's soft lips. Seriously, otherwordly ✫ Persimmon trees & how C climbs them to bring us dessert ✫ Mandarin essential oil in my water. Yuuum! ✫ Berry smoothies ✫ Having tooooons of alone time ✫ C appreciating hardcorely the triple sandwiches I put in his lunch bag. I know, I know, a wife... doesn't get any more perfect than me ;) ✫ Wearing mostly black & bronze color palette ✫ Making autumn crafts ✫ Got delicious free samples from Lush ✫ My cousin came back from three months in New Jersey (USA) and told us about her experiences ✫ Super fun lectures on the Brontës and Jane Austen, such as this one, and watching a ton of documentaries as well ✫ Walking under the rain for one hour, on purpose, because it's amazing ✫ That morning when my computer went ppffftt goodbye and I mentioned it to C over text and he RAN to my house to fix it even though I yelled at him not to come cause he had a lot of work to do. He always leaves everything for me, it's truly amazing. So grateful for the existence of people like him in the world, and more specially grateful for his existence in particular ✫ Outlander. Sooo goooood ✫ Buffy marathon with C in bed ✫ Oracle readings ✫ Apple cider vinegar baths ✫ When the women in Practical Magic dance around and are happy ✫ My first hot chocolate of the second half of the year. Spiced with orange, cinnamon and cayenne pepper ✫ C & I managing to resolve serious issues in our relationship and sticking together ✫ His arms ✫ His hugs ✫ His commitment to me ✫ My commitment to him ✫ My strength ✫ My beauty.
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♥ ★ That Wednesday when C and I spent the day in Barcelona for his new course ★ Anne of the Island ★ Beetroot, celery & fruit smoothies ★ Great morning sex ★ Shopping with mom ★ That amazing weekend with C: videogames, tons of sex & family lunch ★ Kill Bill marathon with C ★ My dieffenbachia has grown SO MUCH overnight ★ My new summer sandals that look like (faux) dragon skin ★ C bought me a new laptop cause mine died. A frikkin' laptop!!! ★ Making pizzas from scratch with C ★ How gorgeous the farmhouse was. Everything was wood and we were surrounded by greens and flowers ★ Mom's delicious birthday cake ★ The smell of dong at the farmhouse. So grounding! ★ Having Ron back ★ Visiting Andorra ★ Helping out people with my opinion/advice ★ My first ever hickie ahahaha ★ Plucked up the courage to go to the dentist ★ C naming his videogame characters after me ★ The film Kingsman ★ When I walked into the bedroom and C was in bed with the sheets to his chin and said super cutely "I want a hug" and he looked like a kitten. I died xD ★ The first thunderstorm in many months. So refreshing and enlivening.
I was in the shower ten minutes ago when a thought invaded my brain "Am I traumatised by 2014?". My stomach turned when I contemplated for a milisecond what the truth of this statement would entail (hint: Tons and tons of even more inner work than I already do, and I'm exhausted and sore as it is without the extras).
My mind said "I don't know... Sounds harsh, this word 'traumatised', it's too heavy.. Nah, I'm making a big deal out of this". But maybe I am traumatised. I'm not sure. We're wrapping up seven months of 2015, and I'm still as depressed as six months ago. By 'depressed' I mean 'Can't find the joy in anything, not even my so-called hobbies, which I wonder whether I can call hobbies anymore since I don't do them cause I can't stand them for some reason I can't comprehend rationally'. Yes, the lack of commas is correct. I speak fast and forget to breathe, ask my boyfriend, he'll confirm my speaking patterns. The things that used to light me up and make this tedious life worthwhile don't interest me anymore. And after trying a few new hobbies this year, I dropped them all, bored to death. As a lot of you know (or not?), I made a resolution at the end of 2013 that the following year I'd do a bold experiment that would require everything I had inside of me: Go out into the world full-force and build a different life. A life where I was more outgoing, pursued every interest that scared me, dated people (I had never gone on a date in my entire life and had been single for 29 years), tried new things, said yes to adventures that scared yet excited me, said yes to random adventures that didn't call to me just for the sake of trying something new and testing what I'm made of... and the list is endless. The experiment was not about becoming a different person, it was about being fully myself and being seen. As a hardcore introvert and carrying a bonus of shyness, I can go a whole year -or three- without interacting with a single human being. I am usually invisible and I tend to love it this way. But since my life felt boring at that point, I thought that becoming visible was one thing that would spice things up. And I also hoped that it wouldn't stop at the end of 2014; my hopes were that I'd gather momentum and enter 2015 as a stronger version of my 2014 self, and then be stronger in 2016, and so on, until the end of my life (or at least the end of my 30s xD). I had been told for years by life coaches, spiritual gurus, social scientists (or however they're called), self-help books, family, and regular people, that if I met a hundred people, the probabilities of me forging a friendship could NOT be 0%. And it made sense to me, rationally. The more people you know, the higher the chances of finding someone special, right? The more things you try out, the higher the chances of discovering new interests you didn't know you could have. Makes sense, rationally. So I went out into the world and gave my all to 2014. I met up with a hundred strangers or more, joined clubs, joined workshops, accepted invitations to meet new people through acquaintances, dated a lot (first dates, that is. Only with one man -and no, it wasn't C- did I go on a second date), I traveled and met new people at the destinations, applied to hundreds of jobs... And experienced heartbreak after heartbreak, endless disappointments. The end of 2014 found me still friendless (except my wonderful love) and still jobless. I kept going at the experiment even in January 2015, when I had begun to feel a strange loss of hope in life. It was a very broad, existential thing that had sparked in me, or rather that feeling was what was left after all the experiences had chipped away at and removed my faith in a wonderful life/world -'wonderful' being a subjective word. I decided to ignore my thoughts and feelings & continue living life to the fullest. Until there came a point where I suddenly knew I had to stop because I was hurting severily. The realisation that I had to stop or something really bad would happen to my soul fell on me like cold water. It happened after socializing + trying a potential new hobby for the upteenth time. That was the tipping point and I closed the door to the world with a loud bang. I had an undeniable need to retreat into a cave and lick my wounds. But first I had to check where the wounds were located and what their origin was. When I began to self-reflect and analyze the last year of my life, I unknowingly began to walk into a dark tunnel, and I guess I'm still in it, trying to find the way out. I find that I'm a person who is deeply incompatible with other human beings, and incompatible with life in general. People and I operate SO differently. I'm not talking about trivial differences but about core values. I find that other humans are very strange creatures, and they sure find me odd as well. I find society unappealing, the rules of life sound like alien language to me, and I know I'm one of those who had I been born as a wild creature, nature would have annihilated me for not being tough enough or fast enough or resourceful enough. Since I was a child, I've lived in perpetual survivor mode in my brain, and I've always seen life as this burden that my parents gave me. I've spent thirty years trying to teach myself to think of it as a gift instead. Still trying. Mission not yet accomplished. All I can do is use my natural talents, such as 'detail-oriented person', to stop and smell & talk to the flowers on my way to soul-sucking work or a brain-frying get-together with random people. Where would I be without details, microscopic vision & imagination? I'm scared of admitting to myself that I am indeed traumatised, why? Because I know from personal experience how much time and energy and money it takes to get your soul & health back. I don't want to go through that costly -at all levels- process again, mainly because I know I don't have the money nor the time. I can't afford to spend (my mind says) another five years trying to figure things out. I demand that I have perfect health and a steady income RIGHT NOW. (I know certain people would call this dominating part of my brain The Bully, yeah yeah whatever). It is the lack of time that scares me. My main concern is getting out of being broke, and all my time must be employed into this one thing, and that's why my so-called Bully Mind says "we can't afford to use chunks of time for mental health". It's so complicated. Or so it seems. It's difficult to wake up in the mornings. I don't allow myself to sleep for twelve hours straight, but trust me when I say that's all I feel like doing, day after day. I can't find meaningful reasons to get up, but I force myself to do it for motives I find to be meaningless, cause it's the "rational" and "grown-up" thing to do. I'm in a perpetual state of apathy and cannot find joy in things that used to light me up. I go to the cinema with family and I feel dead inside. I can't sit down to update this blog because I get a really painful feeling in my entire body and I want to throw up. I don't want to spend time with my family anymore. I find human beings except C extremely irritating, and I try to socialize and force myself to be exposed to new situations (the whole 'rewiring the hippocampus' thing, "it's scientific" they say) but I just hate people's guts and can't help how I feel. I've also developed a terror of yoga because I always end up crying, specially with bowing. Every time the instructor goes "And now we bow" I become a waterfall. So nowadays I'm in a state of wanting to do yoga but forbidding myself from it because my mind says I can't afford to get puffy and sound sick when I must go be social immediately after a session. I find myself in a position where I have no choice; I feel like I'm always in survival mode. This means that I'm bathing in anxiety all day and all night. I cling to the very few things that keep me connected to myself, such as taking photos here and there, reading Anne of Green Gables (I cannot stand any other books, they give me nausea), spending time with C & going to the beach. Things I Loved in June: ✿ The beach ✿ Making up with C after a fight ✿ He stayed in the stairs ✿ Harry Potter party with my sister ✿ Went to see Jurassic World with J and M ✿ My new gorgeous panties with roses on them ✿ Cuddling in C's bed and being in possession of his glorious ass ✿ Insterstellar. OMG. Best film I've seen in years ✿ Making bouquets of fake flowers ✿ Crafting ✿ Watching travel documentaries on tv with my parents. I want to travel so baaaaad! ✿ Daydreaming about traveling ✿ Spells that work ✿ The magpie feather I found on my way home from C's ✿ Naomi Von Monsta launched her new blog! I've been following her since livejournal days, and she's amazing ✿ 2-hour hike to Montserrat mountain with C & the stairs of despair ✿
✿ Beltane celebrations ✿ Aloe vera & coconut oil on my nails ✿ Rooibos tea ✿ Oranges ✿ Karma everything: perfumes, lotions, shampoo... Been addicted to the shampoo for years and now I finally got other products ✿ My sister telling her friends I have a boyfriend and them going "*Gaaaasp* But but but I thought she was a lesbian omg *confused face*" ahahahaha ✿ Coffee coffee coffee love of my life ✿ How much C loves my lentils ✿ Got three new plants, one still doesn't have a name. The other two are Afrodita and Orion (Spanish pronounciations) ✿ Exploring the fields outside town with C ✿ A 5-hour hike with C where we almost died of too much sun on our heads. Then crashed at his place where it was heavenly cool, showered and ate and walked barefoot and I wore his underwear which is my favourite hobby and cuddled in the sofa (still dying a bit but recovering) then sex and lots of heavenly moments. It was truly the perfect day ✿ Finally time to wear shorts, crop tops, flowy dresses and sandals *excited* ✿ Lavender essential oil. I'm never not obsessed with it ✿ Caramel-filled chocolate ✿ Baking gluten-free cakes ✿ Being a hobbit on the inside (and en elf on the outside) ✿ Cuddling and talking with C for hours and hours and hours and being emotionally intimate ✿ Sitting down in a park in Barcelona city by myself, enjoying the breeze and the trees ✿ Job interviews and nothing. I'm still jobless and full of anxiety ✿ Went to see Avengers to the cinema with C and P ✿ Lovely emails from blog readers. Helloooo thank you :D ✿ J singing a country song randomly one morning in the corridor, when C and I were in bed. It was hiiiilarious! xD It said something about a river omg too funny I can't explain, you had to be there. C and I laughed for days after that ✿ Dad went to Córdoba and then to Madrid to visit his girlfriend ✿ Cried with the end of Anne of Avonlea ✿ Re-read Enid Blyton stuff ✿ Began Philosopher's Stone ✿ C sleeping over two nights in a row, finally! Now that he has a job it's difficult to see each other, and even more difficult to do sleepovers ✿ I'm doing a super boring course that makes me feel productive, but it's soooo boring. At least I'll have something to add to my cv ✿ Went to the beach with my family and we tanned and laughed and laughed and my sister sang One Direction songs and it was a laughfest ✿
Love:
★ The love I feel for him. My chest expands and my feet tingle every time I think of this magnificent creature. ★ Warm weather. ★ Adventures in the fields with C one hot evening. ★ Being able to buy a few items from my etsy wishlist. Investing in eco-friendly businesses gives you the best feeling because you are both caring for the planet and also for another hard-working human being who needs to pay rent and food. ★ A gorgeous and peaceful walk with Ron one afternoon. ★ Exploring the fields near the cemetery one warm evening. ★ When he came looking for me to the forest without me knowing it. There he was walking toward me with his back to the sun which made him look like a sombre figure in the distance. "You came looking for me???!!! But how did you expect to find me in the forest?" "I dunno, I figured I'd just get lucky and find you" yeah I love this man. ★ Sex in new places. ★ Baking gluten-free cupcakes. It's the baking more than the end product that I enjoy. ★ Eating chocolate croissants alone watching the sunset. ★ Spent a fun day in Barcelona city and came back home pumped wanting to eat up the world. ★ Lavender essential oil. I'm obsessed. ★ Catching flash sales from eco clothing stores and stocking up for 1/3 of the price. ★ Strawberries!!! ★ Watermelon!!! I've missed you glorious fruits of heaven! ★ Hilarious talk shows. ★ Watching Practical Magic in bed and jotting down ideas in my journal. ★ Having two new ideas for journals I want to make. So excited! ★ Bridget Jones movies & me in bed. Always Bridget oh Bridget my huge comfort during ugly days and the source of intense belly pain due to life-threatening laughter. ★ Purple thistle. I'm so in love. If I could somehow transport some to my garden I would. ★ Went to the cinema with mom. I hadn't experienced the cosy darkness and popcorn smell in a long while. ★ Lovely emails from blog readers. Hellooooo! Saludos :) ★ The Theory of Everything. I didn't expect to cry. I did. So much. ★ Found washy tape for super cheap. I had never been able to afford any, and now I have eight rolls woah. I'm obsessed. ★ Raw almond milk. I'm obsessed with so many things xD ★ Old school blogging. I like to keep my blog more abstract than the average blogs. Everyone is so focused on "deliver deliver deliver! Be of service! You must help people otherwise you're nothing!" What the fuck is this? There's this obsession with external focus that puts me off about other blogs. I miss the more abstract side of blogging, where you blog because it's a personal creative project, and if you happen to help people along the way, well that's fantastic! But I'm not here to play games or try to please an audience. I'm not into structures, I tried and felt dead inside. I need the whimsy in my life. I miss when people wrote random paragraphs about their everyday life, and when they wrote poetry, and when they shared their drawings made during uni classes, and when they took blurry photos of rain fields and when they used more glitter and everything felt softer and dream-like. My 2015 workbook + self portrait I made surrounded by descriptors and compliments to remind me I'm wonderful + three companion notebooks + companion monthly review & dream sheet & action plan (I make it myself) + my core desired feelings ★ Running in the forest. It's uncomfortable, it kicks my butt, and there's a particular point in the forest trail that triggers my anxiety every time I approach it and I can't stop thinking of quitting. But there's another voice yelling inside my head along side the fear voice, and it screams "Keep going! You've never died past that point and you never will!" and more than half the time I keep going and reach my destination. Some days, the fear voice & anxiety win. I have found that running makes me feel alive, and also it allows me to exercise the voice inside my head that says I can do things. ★ Ginger & turmeric tea. ★ Rewatched one of my favourite movies, A Knight's Tale, cuddling with my love in bed. ★ Fresh mimosas on my altar, picked from the fields outside town. ★ Wonderful messages from blog readers. Thank yoooouuuu!!! ★ Marvel movie marathons with my love. ★ Went to Ikea with mom and had a lot of fun. ★ Feeling creatively fulfilled. ★ Reaching goals I wrote in my 2015 workbook. ★ Obsessing over my workbook, as usual ;P I spend hoooouurrss with it, doodling, dreaming and planning. ★ Synchronicities! Woah! ★ It snowed again. ★ Alone time watching Road to Avonlea & Hart of Dixie in bed all cosy. ★ Making body scrubs in my kitchen & then, of course, using them! I'm kinda waiting for the day when my love yells at me "Get all this shit out of the shower! Why do you need so much stuff!" because seriously, the tub hanger is so full of homemade soaps and conditioners and scrubs and stuff that I've begun putting the new jars all around the tub cause there's not enough space for my creations. I'm afraid one day I'll hear "Enough! It's either the mason jars or me! Choose now!" Uh-oh... Well, fortunately, I haven't heard a single complaint yet. ★ Jessie Cave. Because she makes me feel I'm not alone in having a cuckoo mind containing a cuckoo world. ★ How much I laugh with my love. We have so much fun together. ★ Changed the home decor from winter colors to spring colors. And these color palettes are totally subjective. A color that I associate with spring, someone else might associate it with winter. Right now I'm living amongst greys, whites, blues & reds. ★ Devoted two entire days to playing computer games, and I am not sorry. I needed a deep brain sabbath, and that vacation did me wonders. ★ Late night heart-to-heart conversations with C in bed. ★ Playing basketball with C. ★ Buying eco-friendly & ethical clothing. ★ Signing up for an online personal development program & having fun doing the homework. ★ Strawberries have arrived to the markets, finally!!! ★ My new lavender plant. Welcome to the family! ★ A hilarious saturday lunch with family where I almost peed myself, and certainly left the table in tears and coughing and gasping for air. ☽ ♦ ☾
I turned 30 in early February and, as always, it was a quiet day. I love that my family is tiny, and I have almost zero friends, which makes me feel free. I remember the agony of school days, when I was surrounded by people on an everyday basis -we were never true friends, just humans I casually hung out with- and I dreaded my birthday because that meant being the center of attention. Even getting attention from my parents sent me into a downward spiral of angst. Nowadays, the attention phobia still rules my life, but at least I don't hate my birthday. I try to keep that day extremely quiet, by hanging out with my family of 4 members and nobody else. Well, or should I say 5 members, counting my love. Fortunately, nobody made a big deal. I crafted the magnificent chocolate cake with my powerful hands, and spent a couple of hours laughing and debating with family on the sofas. Yeah, as usual we ended up screaming and almost fighting over political matters. Welcome to my family unit, where we cannot ever have a fight-free hangout, and we can never not talk about politics, religion, philosophy and history. That's our idea of fun. When my dad finally stopped yelling, my mom said "Weeeeell, we've fixed the world's problems tonight. Now let's go to sleep". Isn't it funny how passionate some of us get with discussions ;) We don't really solve anything, and we don't really change the other person's mind, nor do they change our mind. But it's the discussions themselves that fire me up. I like tossing ideas back and forth with somebody else, without an agenda beyond exploration of the ideas presented on the table between us. And with this said, guess what: it was on my birthday that snow came to this land :) It was beyooootyFULL. After that, the weather's been getting warmer and warmer, and I'm feeling called to change my home decor already to welcome spring. But I'm holding back. I'll do it on the equinox. I need to exercise self restraint! Come on! I can do it! I don't want to wish the end of winter away. I want to savor it while it's still here. I refuse to live wishing bits of life away. Highlights: ★ Went to La Feria de la Candelaria with C. For the first year ever, I didn't buy anything. And it felt good. This market is the one time a year when I buy a few crystals I've been saving up for since the previous year, and handmade incense, and herbs, and resins, and artisan jewelry. But this time I just didn't feel like anything was calling me. So I bought myself a gorgeous hat from lucymir a few days later. ★ During one of my crafty nights in my sacred space, made a love token for C. I just have this urge to make a million crafts for people, and there aren't enough hours in a day. ★ Relaxing hot showers at 10pm. ★ Woke up to snow!!! ★ Running twice a week consistently. I really love it! And every week I shatter a new personal record ;) ★ Sleeping with my head on C's shoulder and hugging his chest. ★ Lush's Rub Rub Rub exfoliant. Best. shit. ever. I use it both on skin and hair. Since it contains sea salt, it gives hair a lot of volume. ★ Delicious sweet green juices made with ingredients from the farmer's market. High quality + cheaper than the regular store. ★ Having saturday mornings free again. ★ Found the wall clock of my dreams that I had been looking for fruitlessly for a year. I don't lie when I say I'm picky. It had to be that one or none. And voilà! Found it casually in a store while hanging out with C and his father. ★ Had a blast -many blasts actually- with my mom during weekends. ★ Sex. This doesn't need an explanation. It's bliss. ★ C's soft voice over the phone. ★ Received 16 euros out of nowhere! I had no idea that was coming my way. Thank yoouuu! ★ My new blanket for spring & summer that I can't wait to use *excited* I dunno about you, but I get ridiculously happy with furniture and home stuff and nesting. ★ Re-reading Wicked, one of my all-time favourites. ★ Watching The Casual Vacancy in bed with my sister and commenting & dissecting everything. ★ The Witcher Adventure Game, which C introduced me to and now we're hooked. Or at least I am! Every time he comes over, we play for hours and hours. But as fun as it is, it's funner because we play together -or rather, against each other. Also, C dances to the background music and that's the most hilarious thing I've ever witnessed xD ★ Rewatching Chocolat in bed, twice. It's one of my favourite films. ★ Productive 1 hour train trips (to visit my mom) where I get to read books I usually don't have the time for. ★ Fun trips to Barcelona city with C, and coming across mysterious furniture stores. We already picked everything we want for our future castle. ☽ ♦ ☾
I feel like January was a month of hibernation for me, even though I did socialize beyond my family unit. I was talking about this topic yesterday with my mother and sister in the car: you go through phases when it comes to socializing. For me, 2014 was the year I threw myself into all sorts of social situations and met a ton of people -none of which have stayed in my life; I have found that, in the adult world, friendship & interpersonal responsibility & accountability are pretty much non-existent things, but that's another subject for another day. I began 2015 exhausted and ridden with a weird social anxiety I hadn't felt in a long while, and wanted nothing more than to stay in a cocoon with my parents, sister, boyfriend and dog. In the last few weeks, I stretched and challenged myself to go places and meet up with people, mostly out of curiosity for those experiences, and also because staying home for too long is not something that brings me peace, quite the contrary. If I stay in a cocoon for too long, I become restless as the feeling of comfort envelops me; I start to feel I'm wasting time I'll never get back. It's difficult sometimes to be able to discern when leaving the house is scary yet healthy, and when it's a fear of missing out and you push yourself mindlessly to go out without looking at the state of your mind, body, spirit and emotional realm. I sit with myself often in order to figure out the difference and not allow the fear of missing out to dictate my decisions. ★ The constant sunny weather that allows me to do life outdoors.
★ C, with whom I can talk about absoluuutely anything and never feel judged. ★ Soap nuts. Seriously, I love them and deserve a mention. ★ My Pale Moon sweeping skirt by Naomi Nowak. I wear it all the time because it's so comfortable and soft. ★ Attended a role playing club for the first time in my life. It was fun! I'm still learning how to play, and it gets interestinger and interestinger as my brain processes rules and tricks. It's double fun cause I go with my boyfriend, so we get to spend quality time together. ★ Sex sex sex & true intimacy. ★ Chocolate perfume. ★ My Leonie workbooks. I love spending hours upon hours plotting my months and life at large. ★ Drinking stevia tea (leaves harvested from my garden last october and dried by myself ♥) in my room surrounded by candles, in silence, staring at the walls. ★ Long lazy cozy mornings in bed with C, limbs entangled. ★ Studying the art of seduction. ★ Chinese green tea. ★ C's emotional intelligence. How did I get so lucky. ★ The livestream workshop with Shiloh Sophia. It was uplifting, happifying and beautiful. ★ Small coffees after lunch. New habit? I'm turning into a proper Mediterranean human. ★ Picked up running again after two years of quitting because of injuries. Some days I go alone to run in the forest, and sometimes I go with C. I'm really really really loving that time for myself and it's helping a lot with my anxiety. ★ Splurged on rose essential oil, finally! I saved for months to get it :) ★ Licorice root tea. ★ C's delicious kisses on my neck. Yes my love please continue... yuuum... ★ Mimosas are already blooming everywhere! They're small, but I'm so excited! (in case you don't know, they're my favourite flower) ★ Elven homes and fashion. ★ The videogame of The Walking Dead season 1. Omg so good! ★ Cuddling with my love while we watch gamers on youtube and we cry with storytelling videogames. ★ My dad went to Córdoba to visit his long-distance girlfriend and my life was incredibly peaceful for five days x) ★ Falafel dates. ★ Dinner with C's friends and listening to fascinating stories of eco living and crafting and DIY and all that good shit I like. ★ Lunch with C, J and M. Falafel!!!! I die. ★ Watching Wes Anderson movies with C, J and M in the livingroom, and cuddling with C as he finds the movie fascinating whereas I hated it. Seriously, I dislike all Wes Anderson films and yet I keep watching everything he makes simply because the aesthetic is sublime and I like to enjoy it like candy. I wish the scripts (plot, dialogue, characters) were more interesting to satisfy my brain. ★ Watching films with my parents late at night. This month we watched Dorian Gray (2009) and Woody Allen's Manhattan Mystery Murder (1993); I disliked both. ★ My sister turned 25 and as always I made the cake for the party. I like that, in my family, we do everything small and chill and intimate. It's funner that way, in my opinion. December has brought major blessings to my life. I'm still trying to process it all and call it mine, meaning my story, the life that is happening through me. I can say that I'm finishing off the year with a Bang!, as I knew twelve months ago that I would. I don't know where I get this everlasting conviction that everything is always going to be more than alright. In the last few years, I've developed a radical acceptance of negative events and feelings, and I live with perpetual hope; an absolute knowing that life is a cycle, and no circumstance -positive or negative- lasts forever. Looking at the 41 goals (*) I wrote down to be accomplished in 2014, only 4 didn't come true. Pheeew!!! I'm amazed at everything I got to do and experience, especially my ever-most-important topics that are recurrent in my lists year after year: ✧ My personal growth. ✧ Relationships. This includes family, friendships & acquaintances. ✧ Romantic relationships. ✧ Finances. Positive things happened in all those areas at once, and I'm thrilled and grateful. I did work hard internally in order to overcome limiting beliefs that had been blocks against my dreams for a long time. And it all paid off. None of it came without triggering my fears first, which goes to show that you must be ready internally in order to accept what you receive into your life. It's easy to listen & obey the "I'm not good enough for this" voices in our heads. *Sometimes, readers interested in the same workbooks as me (Leonie's) ask me how I manage to come up with 100 goals, and here's the thing: I don't force goals. Desires simply pop up in my head. There's no thinking involved, it's all about gut and heart. If it was mental, there would be no emotional force to back it up. So if it turns out that I feel like accomplishing 100 things, then yay! If I only feel like doing 5 things, then that's what I will pursue. I see the "100 goals" page as a template, a suggestion of what's possible, but never homework. A brief story of how my vision for partnership came true A friend from high school I hadn't talked to in years found me online. We rekindled the friendship. We are both deep and intense and made of the same soul stuff. Friendship soon turned into something more. I am now in my first ever relationship with a human being. And I've never felt this ease, this organicness, this lack of pressure and lack of effort. We just fit. I was always stubborn in my conviction that there was someone out there with a personality & lifestyle who would easily compliment my personality & lifestyle. I was convinced that I didn't have to settle for mediocre relationships just because I liked or loved the person. For me, compatibility has always been as important as feelings, and I find it easy to separate the two and look at my relationships with people from a non-feeling space, aka objectively. I'm an extremist, in case it's not obvious through my blogging adventures. I don't do half-assed. I don't do mediocrity. I want mind-blowing mixed with graceful mixed with easygoing mixed with flowing, or nothing at all. For years, I met people who wanted a relationship with me and I never understood why. We had little in common. They based decisions only on feelings and whims. I liked them, sure, but we were incompatible as far as I was concerned. I always thought I could do better than those people, and remained faithful to my vision. I've never been one to bang relationships into place. I even broke up with my own mother years ago. We didn't speak for a decade. I refuse to make choices that drain me. I'm not a masochist. In my opinion, getting caught up in feelings and ignoring the compatibility aspect is a mistake. Trying to fit a square person into your triangle life is a waste of energy, time and, let's be honest, money. I think that the majority of people insist on pursuing draining relationships because in their subconscious mind they think there is no good fit for them out there in the world, so they obsess over what's in front of their eyes. They give up their true desires. They'd rather have something low-quality than nothing. I would rather have a blank page than something lousy that occupies sacred space. My life -both inner and outer- is made up of many sacred spaces and I fill them up carefully and consciously. It all began as a teenager. I decided then that I didn't want to be in a relationship in the way my peers did them. They seemed shallow, all-consuming & an obstacle for my other life goals. I promised myself I would only dedicate my time, energy & money to someone if it benefitted my life highly. I've always loved my solitude and nobody had ever been able to beat it. I never allowed myself to be blinded by my feelings for someone (strange for an NF temperament, some people say), so I remained single -but not emotionally unavailable- for twenty-nine years, on purpose. And always committed to my self-growth first. Yes, I'm picky. My vision of my potential life partner has been called "impossible" many times. I thought those people knew nothing about human potential & happiness, and I carried on believing in my dream. And here I am. With him. I have no forever plans, because I don't do forevers, but I also see myself with him for a long time. It's difficult to explain how my brain works and sees things. Right now I'm enjoying everything and flowing and thinking "Seeeee????? I knew this existed, tooold you!!!". No mediocrities, thank you. The whole package -feelings & compatibility- is possible. The not-so-secret ingredients are vision, belief, words, integrity & patience. Highlights of December:
★ Coffee shop dates with C. ★ Train rides with C. ★ Drinking hot chocolate spiced with orange and cinnamon while I watch good tv shows in bed. ★ Dreamy eeeeyes. ★ More money coming in than last month. ★ M & J are back together. ★ The medieval fair with C. ★ A lot less time spent at my mom's bar. I reeeeally needed a break from her. ★ Broke up friendship with E. Liberating. ★ Got a second aloe vera. ★ New gorgeous and soft blanket for my bed. ★ 3-hour hike with C. ★ Hobbits. ★ Poinsettias. ★ Receiving etsy orders. ★ Amaaaaazing falafel. ★ Cuddling while we watch hysterical youtube vids. ★ Had a brief astral experience. ★ Cookies with chocolate cream. ★ Blowjobs. I swear I could do this day after day, it's one of my favourite hobbies. ★ Orgasms while looking into his eyes. ★ When he sleeps over. Yeeessss! ★ Waking up next to him. ★ Days of solitude with lots of internet surfing, self-pampering, blog reading, photo taking, foresting, gardening, baking, home decoring, internal processing, journaling, collaging, drawing, shopping, yogaing & hot-water bathing. ★ Fresh juice of fennel, ginger, apple, carrot & pear. ★ High-quality coffee. ★ Foresting with dad. ★ Small bonfires. ★ Workbooks. Pure obsession. ★ Went to the theatre with family to see a play. Don't you love hardwood floors and the echo in high-ceilinged public buildings? ★ C bought us an assortment of gigantic cookies at the Honeydukes-like shop and we enjoyed discovering and judging every flavor. ★ C is in the process of reading me the entire book 1 of A Song of Ice and Fire out loud. No, I'm not joking. Best husband ever. I could never find the time or energy or motivation to read those books by myself -specially after disliking the tv series- and so far I'm enjoying it very much! ★ Celebrated Christmas' Eve & el cagatió with only three family members. Intimate. Zero stress. A blast. |
about AlexandraBorn and raised in Barcelona city, now living in a small town. Categories
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