C and I broke up. The news this time is that now it’s official, there’s no going back. After our first breakup one week ago, we continued to talk things out, every single day, trying to see all possible solutions for our very serious incompatibilities. We finally reached a point today where something came up, and I saw crystal clear. All my confusion was finally gone, and I finally, finally, saw the next step in front of me. As painful as it was, it wasn’t as horrible as the first breakup because in that instance I had a lot of confusion, and I had additional pain about the fact that I didn’t know if I was making the right choice.
Clarity is such a wonderful thing, because even if things are painful, the authenticity with which clarity allows you to act and speak is priceless. You feel centered despite the pain. We have tried everything to make this wonderful relationship work, but love alone is not enough. We have visions for our lives that are opposite, and we are hurting. More than hurting, I personally was suffering like nothing I’ve experienced before. I will not go into details for obvious reasons. I think most of us are private beings despite sharing bits of our lives online. Those bits are specks of almost nothing compared to our real, daily lives.
It’s extremely hard to have to choose a path where my life is no longer intrinsically linked to his, where I will have to hold back kisses and romantic desires and that special space he occupied in me. And occupies. Because we are completely in love, and our relationship has always been healthy. I’ve always felt worshipped by him like a fucking queen, and I have had the pleasure of giving myself like I don’t do with anybody. I gave my soul to this, and there are no regrets. And that is such an honor for me.
I am so grateful that I have had the privilege to have this amazing relationship with this amazing person. He’s the most interesting person I’ve ever known, and still is. We continue to be best friends, and we are going to have to shift our relationship and adapt to the changes, to the holding back, to living with this love that cannot be consummated. I’m going to continue to cry a lot, but at least I have clarity now, I feel I’m living in authenticity.
I am also immensely grateful for how astonishingly willing to communicate he is. I have never to this day met a man who is this communicative, cooperative, attentive and unafraid of intimacy.
This will sound morbid, but I’m so grateful that he is alive. I think of death often, and I think often of people who have lost the love of their lives to death. I’m thankful that he is safe, and healthy, and bright, and cute, and sensitive, and funny, and all that he is, including the bits that annoy me but that I would miss if he disappeared with them
I need to heal from this, take the lessons, and move on. Because I have a life to live, a self to express, sacred work to do, and eventually a new soulmate to meet.
This soulmate has been wonderful. He has exceeded my expectations, and I’ve had the time of my life. I have experienced something so nurturing, beautiful & life giving that adapting to the absence of it is going to be the hardest part of the whole relationship.
I am, for obvious reasons, in a devastating mourning state. I know I have to go through this, there isn't a shortcut to the other side.
We continue to be friends, and we will help each other from this new distance to achieve our individual dreams.

(Above quote)
​"So every day - I was surrounded by the beautiful crying forth of the ideas of God. - One of which was you." -Mary Oliver ​

It's been almost a week since I started feeling better from my depression. I'm not sure at what point exactly I switched to get to this point of actual excitement and hope for life (the terrors are still here but they're manageable so far), I think it was an accumulation of hard work in the self-development sense, plus the fantastic weather (I'm extremely sensitive to low temperatures), plus a bunch of soulful yet simple experiences, such as swimming in the ocean once a week. I don't really want to get into the very serious soul-searching stuff because it drains me to talk about it.

The touch of nature has been important. Nature balances me and I don't have to do anything other than enjoy my experiences in it. And sure I spent weeks before this one going to the forest near my house a few times a week, but for some reason it wouldn't do anything to me. I needed to literally float in salt water and set myself in flames under the sun REPEATEDLY in order to actually FEEL something other than despair. And like I said, my feeling better was also very much about podcasts and books and a spiritual practice and communing with my goddess and journaling and making tough decisions and feeling tons of shame and working through it all and... well, a lot more other activities. One day I simply woke up feeling inspired. I don't know what happened during my sleep.

Yesterday's sunset. I finally remembered to bring my camera to the forest last evening. C and I have been going there every other evening to do some physical activity (he trains for parkour-ian purposes) and I mostly just explore the greenery and bugs, and occasionally practice my pull-ups (which let me tell you are terrible, I'm a weakling when it comes to arms; legs are my strong weapon). We often see rabbits, some adults, some babies, and I damn myself for never bringing the camera to capture the cuteness. Yesterday I remembered, but alas no cute little things were around.

I've been obsessed with my Victorian Fairy tarot deck, as always. I can never not have it around, it's just so totally me, and I'm so connected to it. I've also been reading a lot of norse/viking history and myths, and that's kept me excited and obsessive. I've also dedicated a whole week to review my Leonie workbook, take inventory of the year so far and plan not only the rest of the year but also the rest of the summer season. Speaking of the late summer approaching, I'm extremely excited for Lammas for some reason, it's strange because I've never been particularly obsessed with it. I'm a Beltane & Solstice person. I've already changed the Solstice colors in my seasonal bouquet and made a Lammas inspired one. Also (so many alsos), I've started my own A Year and A Day thing/path. I don't know how to call it. I've never liked any of the AYaAD I've seen in textbooks because I'm not Wiccan and I'm not into rules, so I'm making my own. Only I know what I need to explore and learn and express. I'm extremely excited about it.

(Above) Finished my bullet journal and started a new one in May.

(Below) I keep lists in my regular journals of things I want to do every season, and I decided to copy the current summer list onto my visual journal as well. It will go on the right.

The following photos were taken with my mother's phone, that's why the quality is different. We went on a one-day family road trip to a couple of villages near the town where we live.

Castellfugit de la Roca

Besalú

Above: ​My current, and temporary, altar. It's been months and I still can't find the perfect cheap coffee table for it. It's frustrating.
The image is an illustration by Selenada on deviantart which I use to imagine that it is the goddess Freyja. I don't like a single portrait of Freyja that I've seen, they're all horrible for my taste, so this simple and clean illustration of a random blonde woman is perfect for my brain's needs. 

I ♥

✫ The Fictorian Fairy Tarot ✫ Train rides with C ✫ Hot chocolate for both of us in bed watching tv shows ✫ Goloka incenses. I have so many I need to stop ✫ The night C and I went to a gorgeous Irish pub with live folk music ✫ The hot weather ✫ The show Firefly ✫ The book The Witch in Every Woman, which pushed my buttons quite a lot and I had many arguments with the author in my head because I disagree with some of it, but it's so well written and so heartfull, I loved it even though I disagreed so much ✫ The love letter C left for me on the computer ✫ Ylang ylang essential oil ✫ Napping with C and rain happening outside ✫ The wonderful trip to Tarragona ✫ Everything Roman, the ruins, the history, the myths, the architecture, the gods... ✫ Bought a lavanda angustifolia, finally! Took me two years to find this variety of lavender locally ✫ Bought a strawberry bush and already ate a few berries from it in the last couple of months, they taste aaamaaaaze ✫ Digging my hands in fresh soil ✫ Reading old Leonie blog posts obsessively and feeling inspired ✫ Fresh blueberries ✫ Re-reading Anne of Green Gables (book 1) ✫ Finally finding a good image that I can use to represent Freyja at my altar ✫ Buying a ton of books online, and of course reading them in bed at night all cosy ✫ Walks in the forest ✫ A 2-hour hike with C the other day ✫ A day of shopping with C and then doing a picnic for lunch ✫ Went to the cinema with C and we watched Captain America Civil War. Half of the fun was the fact that my sister and her boyfriend were in our same room! "What are you doing here???" it was hilarious ✫ Ghost Whisperer every night with my dinner, in bed all cosy. I never not eat in bed heehee ✫ Received money back from taxes woohoo ✫ Free flowers (in pots) were given for free at my town's spring fair. They said one per person, but we got four in very sneaky ways lol ✫ Beltaaaane! My favourite sabbat! ✫ Obsessing over other people's grimoire/bos pages online ✫ Trevor Hall ✫ Went to a flea market of antiques with my parents and we ended up in a huge warehouse that was second-hand library & coffee shop with live music at the same time ✫ Orange blossoms on my bedside table when I go to sleep (I have an orange tree & a lemon tree in my garden and I pick up the weak fallen flowers). Oh the smell!!! I sleep so much better with that scent invading my brain ✫ 

A tiny glimpse of the bookstore/coffee shop warehouse. You have no idea how huge it was. Sorry for the low quality; I didn't bring my camera that day and had to use my phone instead.

Life is going well these days. I've been working extremely hard on my depression, and I finally had a breakthrough a couple of weeks ago after a long and intense conversation with C. I'm lucky that he's the most positive, optimistic and resilient person I've ever known, and he drills speeches into my stubborn brain. Then I go be by myself and marinate his ideas vs my ideas, and an ahá moment happens. And that's exactly what happened that night, but amplified x50. Since that day, I haven't woken up a single morning dreading the day ahead and wanting to chop off my head. It is truly a miracle. I still have to keep my thoughts and focus in check, and I have to make a choice for my mental health every single day, and I feel I'm on a really nice path. I want to keep going. If it weren't for having him in my life, with his warmth and eternal enthusiasm and impeccable energy, I would be a ghost of myself. I feel so blessed to have such an encouraging and reassuring person in my life. He makes all the difference.

The last few weeks have been a lot of fun. Trips to Barcelona city in search of boardgames & shopping & eating & bonding. Hours upon hours in bed together watching tv shows. And one day, on my way to visit my mother in Barcelona, I went into a bookshop and finally -after a couple of years searching- found the perfect adult coloring books for me. Most of what I've seen in the last couple of years of my search have been mandalas and other geometric drawings that inspire nothing in me. I'm much more into flowy Art Noveau kind of images. And voilà! There they were, various books by this person called Johanna Basford, it was love at first sight. It was tough trying to decide which one book to buy; I wanted them all! One day, one day.

★  Homemade vegan salted mocha lattes.
★  Seeing my love have a social life and seeing him pursue his happiness. It's so sexy to watch.
★  Ron wearing his adorable blue jumper.
★ The female security guard at work who is so hot and sexy. I get shy around her hahaha.
★ Bought the Leonie workbooks, like I do every year, and I'm obsessed with imagining 2016. 2015 was a piece of shit of a year for me, emotionally and physically. And 2016 looks promising.
★ Rosemary essential oil in my drinking water. So refreshing!
★ Celebrated one year with my love C.
★ Went to the cinema with mom, dad and sister. Special mention: the delicious salty popcorn!
★ Mom joined us in putting up the Christmas tree this year (she lives in Barcelona and hasn't been around for "tree decor day" in many years) and it was way funner with her around.
★​ When my brother-in-law attends our family lunches/dinners. I hate family get-togethers, but when I know that he's coming I know I will laugh until I cry and I look forward to that.

A few pages in the workbooks are not exactly my cup of tea visual-wise, so I simply make my own. I will watercolor the edges of the Mottos page I made, for instance. And the list of 100 Things doesn't work for me in the format established in the workbook (it's too messy-looking for my taste, I like "cleaner" formats but still with color, not the awful boring black & white of the majority of workbooks out there), so I typed my own 100 Things page in the computer and printed it to suit my taste.

PS: Already completed one goal, finished on January 2.

★  Medjool dates (which are very hard to find in Spain).
★  My dad's potato & carrot & olive oil purée. Bliss in the mouth!
★  The warmth of the sun.
★  Rainy days lying in bed with C, abusing his freckled bearded cheeks with my lips. CAN'T HELP IT!!!
★  Received an mp3 player as a gift from my parents for the cagatió. I haven't had any kind of music playing device in seven years, I kid you not. Now I can go to work, and go grocery shopping, or go for walks listening to music or podcasts.
★ Playing Trivial Pursuit with my family, eating nougat and other yummy crap.
★ Shampoos from Lush. 
★ Hot sopa de galets on rainy, freezing days.
★ The book The Secret Garden. I re-read it for the hundredth time last month and it lifted my spirit and life seems so much more beautiful.
★ Star Wars marathon in bed with C holding hands. I dislike Star Wars (C loves it) but I enjoy insulting the characters I dislike and picking apart the awful dialogues.
★ How soft C's pajamas is.
★ My burgundy lingerie set. I feel the need to become a burlesque performer just so I can parade it around the world.
★ Buying kebabs for C and I, and going home to eat them in bed watching a movie.
★ Being picked to continue working for one more month.
★ The gorgeous full moon on Christmas ♥

I'm extremely busy with work and I don't have the energy to do anything. No physical energy and no mental energy. I spend all my free time lying in bed trying to recover from the exhaustion of work. This means I have no time or energy for the internet, my family or any of my hobbies. I can't read or watch youtube or make collages or go out or take pictures or anything. I rarely see my boyfriend cause we have opposite schedules. When I work, he's free. When I'm free, he's in class for six hours.

Luckily, we did get to go to Vic on my only free day. He skipped class, otherwise we couldn't make it. A two-hour train trip, seeing gorgeous mountains and valleys, to attend the annual medieval market in Vic. I've been going there for the last few years, and last year I invited him to come with me. We were just friends then, but on that trip our relationship began to take a kind of romantic turn. Five days after the trip, we found ourselves hooking up in my bed and having profound conversations, and we've been obsessed & in love with each other ever since. So of course we had to go to Vic again this year. 

I've been so busy and exhausted that the christmas tree and all the decors are still in the attic. I'm a huge fan of Yule time, and usually by December 2 I've already put up the tree. But this year I can never remember that the tree is missing from my house. I don't feel like doing all that work of taking it down in three weeks, so I don't feel like putting it up for that reason.

I did get a lovely poinsettia, as I do every year. It's my favourite thing to do! Poinsettia shopping!

I hope I can go to Barcelona with C before Yule, and see the city with all the lights, and visit the Christmas markets in the Romanic/Gothic quarter.

Once in Vic, we began the day stopping by the same coffee shop where we ate last year. Good times!

Bought a beautiful handmade and handpainted dragon incense burner :)

This tape includes some of the songs I've been listening to every early winter for quite a few years, and it's been inspired especially by afternoons lying in bed with my lover under blankets daydreaming of days when we'll be able to travel & also inspired by solo train trips in the sunshine this gorgeous early winter.

01. Roll Away Your Stone - Mumford & Sons
02. re: Stacks - Bon Iver
03. Hang me, Oh Hang me - Oscar Isaac
04. Fare Thee Well - Marcus Mumford & Oscar Isaac
05. The Heart - Needtobreathe
06. The Last Ships - Vio Mire
07. The Hurry and The Harm - City and Colour
08. Ghost Town - First Aid Kit