C and I broke up. The news this time is that now it’s official, there’s no going back. After our first breakup one week ago, we continued to talk things out, every single day, trying to see all possible solutions for our very serious incompatibilities. We finally reached a point today where something came up, and I saw crystal clear. All my confusion was finally gone, and I finally, finally, saw the next step in front of me. As painful as it was, it wasn’t as horrible as the first breakup because in that instance I had a lot of confusion, and I had additional pain about the fact that I didn’t know if I was making the right choice.
Clarity is such a wonderful thing, because even if things are painful, the authenticity with which clarity allows you to act and speak is priceless. You feel centered despite the pain. We have tried everything to make this wonderful relationship work, but love alone is not enough. We have visions for our lives that are opposite, and we are hurting. More than hurting, I personally was suffering like nothing I’ve experienced before. I will not go into details for obvious reasons. I think most of us are private beings despite sharing bits of our lives online. Those bits are specks of almost nothing compared to our real, daily lives.
It’s extremely hard to have to choose a path where my life is no longer intrinsically linked to his, where I will have to hold back kisses and romantic desires and that special space he occupied in me. And occupies. Because we are completely in love, and our relationship has always been healthy. I’ve always felt worshipped by him like a fucking queen, and I have had the pleasure of giving myself like I don’t do with anybody. I gave my soul to this, and there are no regrets. And that is such an honor for me.
I am so grateful that I have had the privilege to have this amazing relationship with this amazing person. He’s the most interesting person I’ve ever known, and still is. We continue to be best friends, and we are going to have to shift our relationship and adapt to the changes, to the holding back, to living with this love that cannot be consummated. I’m going to continue to cry a lot, but at least I have clarity now, I feel I’m living in authenticity.
I am also immensely grateful for how astonishingly willing to communicate he is. I have never to this day met a man who is this communicative, cooperative, attentive and unafraid of intimacy.
This will sound morbid, but I’m so grateful that he is alive. I think of death often, and I think often of people who have lost the love of their lives to death. I’m thankful that he is safe, and healthy, and bright, and cute, and sensitive, and funny, and all that he is, including the bits that annoy me but that I would miss if he disappeared with them
I need to heal from this, take the lessons, and move on. Because I have a life to live, a self to express, sacred work to do, and eventually a new soulmate to meet.
This soulmate has been wonderful. He has exceeded my expectations, and I’ve had the time of my life. I have experienced something so nurturing, beautiful & life giving that adapting to the absence of it is going to be the hardest part of the whole relationship.
I am, for obvious reasons, in a devastating mourning state. I know I have to go through this, there isn't a shortcut to the other side.
We continue to be friends, and we will help each other from this new distance to achieve our individual dreams.