I'm in a perpetual state of apathy and cannot find joy in things that used to light me up. I go to the cinema with family and I feel dead inside. I can't sit down to update this blog because I get a really painful feeling in my entire body and I want to throw up. I don't want to spend time with my family anymore. I find human beings except C extremely irritating, and I try to socialize and force myself to be exposed to new situations (the whole 'rewiring the hippocampus' thing, "it's scientific" they say) but I just hate people's guts and can't help how I feel. I've also developed a terror of yoga because I always end up crying, specially with bowing. Every time the instructor goes "And now we bow" I become a waterfall. So nowadays I'm in a state of wanting to do yoga but forbidding myself from it because my mind says I can't afford to get puffy and sound sick when I must go be social immediately after a session. I find myself in a position where I have no choice; I feel like I'm always in survival mode. This means that I'm bathing in anxiety all day and all night.
I cling to the very few things that keep me connected to myself, such as taking photos here and there, reading Anne of Green Gables (I cannot stand any other books, they give me nausea), spending time with C & going to the beach.