There are people who dislike you because you do not dislike yourself.
Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie ✫✫✫
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My 2015 workbook + self portrait I made surrounded by descriptors and compliments to remind me I'm wonderful + three companion notebooks + companion monthly review & dream sheet & action plan (I make it myself) + my core desired feelings ★ Running in the forest. It's uncomfortable, it kicks my butt, and there's a particular point in the forest trail that triggers my anxiety every time I approach it and I can't stop thinking of quitting. But there's another voice yelling inside my head along side the fear voice, and it screams "Keep going! You've never died past that point and you never will!" and more than half the time I keep going and reach my destination. Some days, the fear voice & anxiety win. I have found that running makes me feel alive, and also it allows me to exercise the voice inside my head that says I can do things. ★ Ginger & turmeric tea. ★ Rewatched one of my favourite movies, A Knight's Tale, cuddling with my love in bed. ★ Fresh mimosas on my altar, picked from the fields outside town. ★ Wonderful messages from blog readers. Thank yoooouuuu!!! ★ Marvel movie marathons with my love. ★ Went to Ikea with mom and had a lot of fun. ★ Feeling creatively fulfilled. ★ Reaching goals I wrote in my 2015 workbook. ★ Obsessing over my workbook, as usual ;P I spend hoooouurrss with it, doodling, dreaming and planning. ★ Synchronicities! Woah! ★ It snowed again. ★ Alone time watching Road to Avonlea & Hart of Dixie in bed all cosy. ★ Making body scrubs in my kitchen & then, of course, using them! I'm kinda waiting for the day when my love yells at me "Get all this shit out of the shower! Why do you need so much stuff!" because seriously, the tub hanger is so full of homemade soaps and conditioners and scrubs and stuff that I've begun putting the new jars all around the tub cause there's not enough space for my creations. I'm afraid one day I'll hear "Enough! It's either the mason jars or me! Choose now!" Uh-oh... Well, fortunately, I haven't heard a single complaint yet. ★ Jessie Cave. Because she makes me feel I'm not alone in having a cuckoo mind containing a cuckoo world. ★ How much I laugh with my love. We have so much fun together. ★ Changed the home decor from winter colors to spring colors. And these color palettes are totally subjective. A color that I associate with spring, someone else might associate it with winter. Right now I'm living amongst greys, whites, blues & reds. ★ Devoted two entire days to playing computer games, and I am not sorry. I needed a deep brain sabbath, and that vacation did me wonders. ★ Late night heart-to-heart conversations with C in bed. ★ Playing basketball with C. ★ Buying eco-friendly & ethical clothing. ★ Signing up for an online personal development program & having fun doing the homework. ★ Strawberries have arrived to the markets, finally!!! ★ My new lavender plant. Welcome to the family! ★ A hilarious saturday lunch with family where I almost peed myself, and certainly left the table in tears and coughing and gasping for air. ☽ ♦ ☾
Hello Spring!!! Wishes, Dreams, Goals ✿ Have picnics ✿ Visit villages covered in greens and flowers ✿ Eat fresh healthy food from the farmer's market ✿ Plant seeds in the garden ✿ Watch the sunlight that filters through the leaves of trees ✿ Be naked indoors ✿ Cultivate poppies in the garden ✿ Repot the lavender my father gave me a few days ago ✿ Play harmonica on warm friday evenings when home alone ✿ Repaint my bedroom ✿ Buy a rose bush ✿ Have no interest in preserving the status quo ✿ Surround myself with bees!!!! ✿ Wear flowers in hair ✿ Sunbathe with a fun book ✿ Make spring-themed pages in journals ✿ Dance to faerie music ✿ BE a human playground ✿ Stare at hares crossing me on field trails ✿ Make blanket forts ✿ Press flowers in books ✿ Spend a lot of time with my love ✿ Build a spring shrine in a corner of the bookshelf ✿ Play basketball outdoors ✿ Arrive home with fingernails dirty everyday ✿ Eat pears ✿ Drink plenty of freshly made fruit juices ✿ Fill the house with fresh flowers ✿ Buy hair barrette from Nolemire ✿ Make a bird feeder and put it in the garden ✿ Row a boat ✿ Images: Don Brubacher // unknown // bmenton // Tim Norris // nettisrb // luftschloss // Theodor Kittelsen // Henri-Camille Danger // thimble and violet // Kerry M // AnchoAnchi
I rarely socialize with the people in my house, and I spend the majority of life locked up in my bedroom; it's a sanctuary. It's peaceful and safe in there. It's also warm, cosy and full of creative energy bouncing up and down, left and right. This energy, I carry with me and pour onto the outside world. But I don't stop with the bedroom. I also have a sacred space inside the room, like one of those Russian dolls. I build altars and shrines obsessively; I've done this since I was a child -not knowing that that was called a shrine, of course. I've always felt the need to sanctify every space I come in contact with. I feel most inspired in places of reverence and silence and contemplation and beauty. I've always loved sittting inside churches and libraries precisely for that reason. I have many hidden shrines all over my room -nobody would ever suspect every single item in every space I own has been carefully studied and selected ;) And then I have the altar. For me, a sacred space must be alive. What I've observed from other people who share their altars online -don't you love peeking at people's lives?! I do!!!- is that their little constructions seem to be an inert space. They don't sit at it to do anything. People just select a bunch of objects with the "right" colors and symbols, arrange it all to look pretty and then never interact with it. I can't do such a thing. Why? Because I'm too pragmatic and hate collecting stuff. Everything I own, I must have an active relationship with it; everything must be alive and have a purpose. When I don't have a relationship with that thing, its presence weighs on my mind; it's clutter. Another thing I've observed is that people tend to have a bazillion objects on their altars, to the point where the entire surface of the table is covered in stuff. When I see that, I think "But how do you put a book on that surface? How do you work without space to even prop your elbows?" My altar is quite small, so I am mindful of the objects I place on it. I need enough space for a big book or a notebook, so I can read and write. I need enough space so my arms can move and not hit candles or statues and break stuff. I'd rather have nothing more than one candle and one pinecone, because it is crucial for me that my sacred space allows for physical activity. Claim a corner -or an entire room- in your home and MAKE it yours. 1. Ask yourself: What do I want to do in this place? Meditation only? Reading? Journaling? Then you know you'll need to sit either on a cushion on the floor or use a chair. Spell casting only? Maybe in this case you'd prefer a regular table instead of a coffee table, so you can work standing up. Only YOU can answer this question and come up with the tools you need. 2. Personalize. What would make this place feel very you? Brainstorm objects (including ones you already have) that would give you a sense of safety (hello sanctuary!). Don't forget to pay attention to the colors you choose. Personally, I rotate the color of my altar tablecloth according to the seasons. Why? Because being attuned to nature is the central piece of my spiritual practice. I've read many articles where they encourage the use of cool colors (blue, lavender, etc.) because, supposedly, they enhance relaxation and peace. Not for me. I find red extremely relaxing during the cold months because it brings me the warmth that nature lacks at that particular time of the year. So remember that just because someone tells you to stick to the traditional symbolic association for something, you don't have to follow that advice if it doesn't feel right. You are your own authority when it comes to symbolism in your life. Many articles and books also encourage you to keep your space decor symmetrical. Again, that's not me. My personal style is closer to The Burrow than to Malfoy Manor. I tried doing symmetry but it always made me feel as if the space was too majestic, as if I take life too seriously. I need a space which is clean and decluttered, but somewhat crooked. That resonates with me, so that's what I do. If your thing is symmetry, go ahead! Whatever brings you peace and inspiration, do that. 3. Keep it decluttered. You want to create a feeling of care & clarity. Having a cluttered space will make your mind and spirit feel uncomfortable, weighed down and stressed. Moreover, the act of cleaning it up a few times a week helps me connect with the place. So cleaning is far from a chore, it's an exercise in connection! 4. Other ideas to accessorize your space: ☀Fresh flowers ☀ Candles ☀ Crystals and rocks ☀ Incense ☀ Things collected from nature during hikes (pinecones, seashells, leaves, fallen nests, feathers...) ☀ Journals and pens ☀ Texts and books you're currently reading on philosophy or spirituality (or anything you fucking like! It's YOUR space) ☀ Little notes to self folded and kept in a bowl or box ☀ Affirmation jar or gratitude jar or gratitude journal ☀ Crafts you've made ☀ Images that inspire you ☀ Jewelry that makes you feel Godlike ☀ Potted plants ☀ A terrarium or a fairy garden ☀ Garlands ☀ Intention jars you've made (I only keep one at this point: the one I made for love before I met my beau) ☀ Figurines or statues that inspire you ☀ The bottle of perfume you wear only in the sanctuary ☀ A CD you play often when you're in this corner doing your thing ☀ Love letters you've received, or love letters you've written but will never send... Your imagination is the limit, my friends. Make it cosy and true. ♦ ✧ ♦
I turned 30 in early February and, as always, it was a quiet day. I love that my family is tiny, and I have almost zero friends, which makes me feel free. I remember the agony of school days, when I was surrounded by people on an everyday basis -we were never true friends, just humans I casually hung out with- and I dreaded my birthday because that meant being the center of attention. Even getting attention from my parents sent me into a downward spiral of angst. Nowadays, the attention phobia still rules my life, but at least I don't hate my birthday. I try to keep that day extremely quiet, by hanging out with my family of 4 members and nobody else. Well, or should I say 5 members, counting my love. Fortunately, nobody made a big deal. I crafted the magnificent chocolate cake with my powerful hands, and spent a couple of hours laughing and debating with family on the sofas. Yeah, as usual we ended up screaming and almost fighting over political matters. Welcome to my family unit, where we cannot ever have a fight-free hangout, and we can never not talk about politics, religion, philosophy and history. That's our idea of fun. When my dad finally stopped yelling, my mom said "Weeeeell, we've fixed the world's problems tonight. Now let's go to sleep". Isn't it funny how passionate some of us get with discussions ;) We don't really solve anything, and we don't really change the other person's mind, nor do they change our mind. But it's the discussions themselves that fire me up. I like tossing ideas back and forth with somebody else, without an agenda beyond exploration of the ideas presented on the table between us. And with this said, guess what: it was on my birthday that snow came to this land :) It was beyooootyFULL. After that, the weather's been getting warmer and warmer, and I'm feeling called to change my home decor already to welcome spring. But I'm holding back. I'll do it on the equinox. I need to exercise self restraint! Come on! I can do it! I don't want to wish the end of winter away. I want to savor it while it's still here. I refuse to live wishing bits of life away. Highlights: ★ Went to La Feria de la Candelaria with C. For the first year ever, I didn't buy anything. And it felt good. This market is the one time a year when I buy a few crystals I've been saving up for since the previous year, and handmade incense, and herbs, and resins, and artisan jewelry. But this time I just didn't feel like anything was calling me. So I bought myself a gorgeous hat from lucymir a few days later. ★ During one of my crafty nights in my sacred space, made a love token for C. I just have this urge to make a million crafts for people, and there aren't enough hours in a day. ★ Relaxing hot showers at 10pm. ★ Woke up to snow!!! ★ Running twice a week consistently. I really love it! And every week I shatter a new personal record ;) ★ Sleeping with my head on C's shoulder and hugging his chest. ★ Lush's Rub Rub Rub exfoliant. Best. shit. ever. I use it both on skin and hair. Since it contains sea salt, it gives hair a lot of volume. ★ Delicious sweet green juices made with ingredients from the farmer's market. High quality + cheaper than the regular store. ★ Having saturday mornings free again. ★ Found the wall clock of my dreams that I had been looking for fruitlessly for a year. I don't lie when I say I'm picky. It had to be that one or none. And voilà! Found it casually in a store while hanging out with C and his father. ★ Had a blast -many blasts actually- with my mom during weekends. ★ Sex. This doesn't need an explanation. It's bliss. ★ C's soft voice over the phone. ★ Received 16 euros out of nowhere! I had no idea that was coming my way. Thank yoouuu! ★ My new blanket for spring & summer that I can't wait to use *excited* I dunno about you, but I get ridiculously happy with furniture and home stuff and nesting. ★ Re-reading Wicked, one of my all-time favourites. ★ Watching The Casual Vacancy in bed with my sister and commenting & dissecting everything. ★ The Witcher Adventure Game, which C introduced me to and now we're hooked. Or at least I am! Every time he comes over, we play for hours and hours. But as fun as it is, it's funner because we play together -or rather, against each other. Also, C dances to the background music and that's the most hilarious thing I've ever witnessed xD ★ Rewatching Chocolat in bed, twice. It's one of my favourite films. ★ Productive 1 hour train trips (to visit my mom) where I get to read books I usually don't have the time for. ★ Fun trips to Barcelona city with C, and coming across mysterious furniture stores. We already picked everything we want for our future castle. ☽ ♦ ☾
Monthly gratitude/appreciation lists. (above) I write lessons & ideas inspired by my favourite bands.
(below) Oracle readings to help me process life stuff and receive guidance. Photo by Angie Solitary ritual.
Walks in the forest. Walks in the beach. Pink sunsets. Silence. Provoking an ahá moment in somebody else. Knowing this. Watching the full moon. Sensing the new moon. The very first page of a book I've never read before. My lover's soft, bearded and addictingly kissable cheeks. His freckles. Oh lord have mercy. The smell of sandalwood. The process of creating a potion, elixir or special meal. Long and profound self-pampering. Jewelry-Talismans. Sea shells. Celtic music. Mary Oliver's poetry. The smell of damp soil. Showing the politically incorrect, wild and often concealed parts of my psyche; vulnerability. Moving, living in cycles consciously. I stayed home this entire weekend. I couldn't do life anymore. In mid-January, I had a reverse awakening of sorts: a need to hibernate. I had begun to feel fucking shitty emotionally. I would dedicate small chunks of time to try figure out what was going on underneath those feelings, but I could only see mists and moss and mushrooms and confusion because I could never have the necessary amount of alone time to explore myself. There was always a chore calling my name, so I'd have to turn gears in my brain and pay attention to that. And then to that other thing. And then the other thing. And at this point I feel like I've lost myself a little in the midst of all those responsibilities and demands. I ended up having the inevitable breakdown on Friday, and I curled up into a ball in the shower, then went to bed, grabbed my journal & pen, and began vomiting the surface stuff. And then the roots of the probem began to show. These roots are not new to me. They're my wounded child; it's always the child, isn't it. I need to regroup. I need to take care of myself like I haven't done in a while. Part of this regrouping consists on being fucking honest with everyone around me. That's always hard, not having nice things to say. Having to say the No word sixty times a day. I feel like a negative person when I say No this much. I feel like a bitch. Normal feeling, seeing how I'm a people pleasing child. It's still there. Dormant sometimes, awake other times. But I know this is how you re-build necessary boundaries, by saying your Noes. Isn't it disgusting how society injects this venom into us: "Please me or you're a bad person". I, for one, deal with the subconscious belief that I'm a bad person if I ask for what I want at the expense of someone else's wants. And I know for a fact I'm not alone in this belief. Daily existence is a constant retraining of the brain, a neverending reframing of our personal stories. You can become exhausted doing all this work. That's where I'm at right now, apparently. But everything will be alright. I know this because I've been down & then alright before. It's a circle, or a spiral, depending on how you see life. So, apart from endless journaling and emotional vomiting, the results of which I'll keep to myself for now, here's a few other activities I've been doing to help me out... Ideas for reconnecting with the self ★ Re-watch a comfort film. For me, that's Amélie, and Chocolat, and Bridget Jones's Diary. What's yours? ★ If you have a good relationship with your mom or dad, call one of them up and hang out, preferably outside the house. Sit in a coffee shop, let them buy you a pastry and coffee/tea/hot chocolate (stay away from whiskey, you hear me?!), and just chat about life. ★ Read random pages of Rob Brezsny's book Pronoia is the antidote for paranoia. I always recommend this book, I know I sound like a broken record, but I won't shut up. YOU shut up. ★ Have plenty of alone time to explore yourself, heal the re-opened wounds (they will scab temporarily, but not disappear forever, at least that's been my experience) & come up with an action plan to care for your emotional realm. But make sure not to isolate yourself. I'm not one to call my boyfriend or sister or parents when I'm in a situation like this, because I find them to be a distraction from the real work; the work that must happen between me and myself. I don't want to get used to being smothered and numbed with external affection, I don't want to become dependent on such a bandaid, because a. There will be a day when those people might not be there anymore, b. That behavior weakens my relationship with myself. With this said, relying on absolutely no one, becoming a Greek fortress, self isolation & not allowing yourself to be loved by others while you're doing this work, it will kill your spirit. Learn how to be balanced. You are NOT an island. ★ Get a sheet of paper. Draw your face in the middle. Color it in, mandala-style if you want. I like to color my face half green and half blue, and my hair is sometimes red with bits of gold, sometimes black with bits of silver. Then tune in to your empowering story, like a character profile of who you are. Not the old story you've been dragging for aeons, but the new story that is true, but it's just that you haven't practiced it in your head as often as the old one. ★ Listen to music without distractions. No crafting, no writing, no drawing, no cleaning the house. Music & stillness combined will move stuff inside you and you'll get clear visions of what's going on. ★ Grab your music and go for a 2-hour walk, with no destination in mind. Just walk, see the sky, be alone, imagine beautiful scenarios prompted by the music. And know that it's not just your imagination. Everything is real and doable. Go on this walk for as many days in a row as possible, building up mental and emotional energy & momentum , and when the time is right, go home and start an action plan. And take bold action immediately! ★ Read fiction and poetry that you like. Stop thinking strategically. Quit the self help and/or spiritual books for a while. Do only fiction, one hour a day. Two if you can. This is sacred time. You don't have to do anything, only let an author feed you. Eat and swallow. Feel nourished after an hour. Feel the brain all massaged and relaxed and possibly even excited or curious about life. Cultivate beauty & warmth inside you. Often, it’s not about becoming a new person, but becoming the person you were meant to be, and already are, but don’t know how to be. Heath L. Buckmaster
Legends from tourmalinne on 8tracks Radio. 01. Healah Dancing - Keaton Henson 02. Northbound Train - Martin Phipps 03. Your hands are cold - Dario Marianelli 04. In Dreams - Howard Shore 05. Agape - Dead Can Dance 06. Morrigan - Omnia 07. Any other name - Thomas Newman 08. La Dispute - Yann Tiersen ★ ★ ★
I feel like January was a month of hibernation for me, even though I did socialize beyond my family unit. I was talking about this topic yesterday with my mother and sister in the car: you go through phases when it comes to socializing. For me, 2014 was the year I threw myself into all sorts of social situations and met a ton of people -none of which have stayed in my life; I have found that, in the adult world, friendship & interpersonal responsibility & accountability are pretty much non-existent things, but that's another subject for another day. I began 2015 exhausted and ridden with a weird social anxiety I hadn't felt in a long while, and wanted nothing more than to stay in a cocoon with my parents, sister, boyfriend and dog. In the last few weeks, I stretched and challenged myself to go places and meet up with people, mostly out of curiosity for those experiences, and also because staying home for too long is not something that brings me peace, quite the contrary. If I stay in a cocoon for too long, I become restless as the feeling of comfort envelops me; I start to feel I'm wasting time I'll never get back. It's difficult sometimes to be able to discern when leaving the house is scary yet healthy, and when it's a fear of missing out and you push yourself mindlessly to go out without looking at the state of your mind, body, spirit and emotional realm. I sit with myself often in order to figure out the difference and not allow the fear of missing out to dictate my decisions. ★ The constant sunny weather that allows me to do life outdoors.
★ C, with whom I can talk about absoluuutely anything and never feel judged. ★ Soap nuts. Seriously, I love them and deserve a mention. ★ My Pale Moon sweeping skirt by Naomi Nowak. I wear it all the time because it's so comfortable and soft. ★ Attended a role playing club for the first time in my life. It was fun! I'm still learning how to play, and it gets interestinger and interestinger as my brain processes rules and tricks. It's double fun cause I go with my boyfriend, so we get to spend quality time together. ★ Sex sex sex & true intimacy. ★ Chocolate perfume. ★ My Leonie workbooks. I love spending hours upon hours plotting my months and life at large. ★ Drinking stevia tea (leaves harvested from my garden last october and dried by myself ♥) in my room surrounded by candles, in silence, staring at the walls. ★ Long lazy cozy mornings in bed with C, limbs entangled. ★ Studying the art of seduction. ★ Chinese green tea. ★ C's emotional intelligence. How did I get so lucky. ★ The livestream workshop with Shiloh Sophia. It was uplifting, happifying and beautiful. ★ Small coffees after lunch. New habit? I'm turning into a proper Mediterranean human. ★ Picked up running again after two years of quitting because of injuries. Some days I go alone to run in the forest, and sometimes I go with C. I'm really really really loving that time for myself and it's helping a lot with my anxiety. ★ Splurged on rose essential oil, finally! I saved for months to get it :) ★ Licorice root tea. ★ C's delicious kisses on my neck. Yes my love please continue... yuuum... ★ Mimosas are already blooming everywhere! They're small, but I'm so excited! (in case you don't know, they're my favourite flower) ★ Elven homes and fashion. ★ The videogame of The Walking Dead season 1. Omg so good! ★ Cuddling with my love while we watch gamers on youtube and we cry with storytelling videogames. ★ My dad went to Córdoba to visit his long-distance girlfriend and my life was incredibly peaceful for five days x) ★ Falafel dates. ★ Dinner with C's friends and listening to fascinating stories of eco living and crafting and DIY and all that good shit I like. ★ Lunch with C, J and M. Falafel!!!! I die. ★ Watching Wes Anderson movies with C, J and M in the livingroom, and cuddling with C as he finds the movie fascinating whereas I hated it. Seriously, I dislike all Wes Anderson films and yet I keep watching everything he makes simply because the aesthetic is sublime and I like to enjoy it like candy. I wish the scripts (plot, dialogue, characters) were more interesting to satisfy my brain. ★ Watching films with my parents late at night. This month we watched Dorian Gray (2009) and Woody Allen's Manhattan Mystery Murder (1993); I disliked both. ★ My sister turned 25 and as always I made the cake for the party. I like that, in my family, we do everything small and chill and intimate. It's funner that way, in my opinion. |
about AlexandraBorn and raised in Barcelona city, now living in a small town. Categories
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